The Bandjoun nomad

The L ord  is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18 We may not talk about it much, but the fact is that Christians sometimes get angry with God when we feel that God has treated us unfairly. This often comes after a difficult event, such as a child being diagnosed with a serious disease or being born with a physical or mental abnormality. If this anger is not dealt with properly, it will cause marital discord. Why? We don’t feel comfortable expressing our anger to God, so we may express it to our spouse. Our spouse will feel trampled on when the situation was not his or her fault. As a result, our spouse will also become angry. Two angry people do not make for a good marriage. If you feel that God has been unfair to you, let me encourage you to take your anger directly to him. You need not feel ashamed of your emotions; you can freely express your heart to God. You will not upset him, and your anger will not catch him by surprise...

“O Lord,” I prayed, “have mercy on me. Heal me, for I have sinned against you.”Psalm 41:4 Do you know the five languages of apology? What I’m going to share could greatly improve your ability to apologize effectively. Apology language #1 is expressing regret . Examples are “I’m sorry” or “I feel badly about what I did.” Apology language #2 is accepting responsibility . “I was wrong” or “It was my fault.” Apology language #3 is making restitution . “What can I do to make it right?” Apology language #4 is genuinely repenting . “I don’t want to continue hurting you. I know that it is wrong, and I don’t want it to happen again.” Apology language #5 is requesting forgiveness . “Will you please forgive me?” or “I value our relationship, and I hope you will forgive me.” Out of these five, your spouse likely has a primary apology language. One of these is more important to him or her than the other four. To give a successful apology, you must learn to speak the apology language of your spous...

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. -  Proverbs 15:1 Do you know how to affirm your spouse even when you disagree? It's a big step in learning how to have meaningful conversations. Take this example: A wife has shared that she is hurt by something her husband has done, and he responds, "I appreciate your sharing your ideas and feelings with me. Now I can understand why you could feel so hurt. If I were in your shoes, I'm sure I would feel the same way. I want you to know that I love you very much, and it hurts me to see you upset. I appreciate your being open with me." This husband has learned the art of affirming his wife even though he may not agree with her perception. Of course, he has a perspective and will eventually share it, but first, he wants his wife to know that he understands what she is saying and can identify with her pain. He is not condemning her interpretation, nor is he telling her that she should not feel up...

Einstein once said, [the human being] experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest—a kind of optical delusion of our consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. It's quite obvious that we don't always see our circle of influence in that manner. So one must really think about their place on this Earth. One can potentially walk down the road, see someone struggling or hurt yet have a preconceived idea of that person's demeanor or that person's threat and the feelings that go with it. So through that process one runs away from the obvious where the obvious being that a person is hurt and needs your help. Now we live in the country here in South Africa that encourages awarenes...

Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm.  Psalm 37:8 When was the last time you experienced anger toward your spouse, and how did you handle it? In the next few days, I want to give you a five-step program for handling anger in a positive way. The first step is admitting to yourself that you are angry. “That’s obvious,” you might reply. “Anyone would know that I am angry.” Perhaps, but the question is, areyou conscious of your anger? Anger comes on so suddenly that often you may be caught up in a verbal or physical response before you consciously acknowledge what is going on inside you. The Scriptures never say that anger is wrong, but multiple passages talk about the importance of controlling anger. Psalm 37 speaks about avoiding rage and not losing your temper, which can harm others. When you realize you are angry, I suggest that you say these words out loud: “I am angry about this. Now what am I going to do?” You have placed the issue on the table, an...

January 5 Expressing Feelings For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. . . . A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 Some people wonder why they would ever want to share their feelings with their mate. The truth is, if you don’t openly share your feelings, they will likely show up anyway in your behavior. However, your loved one will have no idea why you are behaving as you are. That’s when you get the proverbial question, “Is something wrong?” Your spouse knows something is wrong but doesn’t know what. Emotions are a natural part of life. King Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for everything, including joy and sorrow, grieving and celebration. All feelings have their place in our lives, and many of them communicate a lot about us. Most of our feelings are tied to some experience we have had in the past or something we’re going through now. The next time you feel disappointed...

January 4 Revealing Yourself in Marriage The L ord   gives righteousness and justice to all who are treated unfairly. He revealed his character to Moses and his deeds to the people of Israel. Psalm 103:6-7 What do you know about the art of self-revelation? It all began with God. God revealed himself to us through the prophets, the Scriptures, and supremely through Christ. As the verse above mentions, he revealed himself to the ancient Israelites through his actions. They saw him guiding them out of Egypt and into the Promised Land, and as they did, they learned about him. If God had not chosen self-revelation, we would not know him. The same principle is true in marriage. Self-revelation enables us to get to know each other’s ideas, desires, frustrations, and joys. In a word, it is the road to intimacy. No self-revelation, no intimacy. So how do we learn the art of self-revelation? You can begin by learning to speak for yourself. Communication experts often explain it as...

January 1 Communicating Love Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. Let love be your highest goal! 1 Corinthians 13:13–14:1 After thirty years of counseling couples, I’m convinced there are five different ways we speak and understand emotional love—five love languages. Each of us has a primary love language; one of the five speaks to us more profoundly than the other four. Seldom do a husband and wife have the same love language. We tend to speak our own language, and as a result, we completely miss each other. Oh, we’re sincere. We’re even expressing love, but we’re not connecting emotionally. Sound familiar? Love doesn’t need to diminish over time. The end of the famous “love chapter” of the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, says that love is of great value and will last forever. In fact, the apostle Paul says that love should be our highest goal. But if you’re going to keep love alive, you need to learn a new language. Tha...