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Affirming in Disagreement

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. - Proverbs 15:1

Do you know how to affirm your spouse even when you disagree? It's a big step in learning how to have meaningful conversations. Take this example: A wife has shared that she is hurt by something her husband has done, and he responds, "I appreciate your sharing your ideas and feelings with me. Now I can understand why you could feel so hurt. If I were in your shoes, I'm sure I would feel the same way. I want you to know that I love you very much, and it hurts me to see you upset. I appreciate your being open with me." This husband has learned the art of affirming his wife even though he may not agree with her perception.

Of course, he has a perspective and will eventually share it, but first, he wants his wife to know that he understands what she is saying and can identify with her pain. He is not condemning her interpretation, nor is he telling her that she should not feel upset. In fact, he is acknowledging that if he were in her shoes, he would feel the same way. And he would—because if he had her personality and perception, then he would feel what she feels.
Harsh words or judgment will frequently provoke anger. But giving a gentle answer, as King Solomon says in the above proverb, encourages a thoughtful response. This affirmation of feelings creates a positive climate where the offended person can now hear the other person's side.

Father, let me make it my goal to give a gentle answer to my spouse. Please give me the humility to acknowledge his or her feelings without immediately needing to point out my perspective.
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Comments

  1. AnonymousJuly 18, 2017 at 10:56 AM

    It's not always easy trying to stay calm when someone is pointing fingers at you... ��

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pkantueJuly 18, 2017 at 11:00 AM

      I hear you. In actual fact that's why we need to constantly check ourselves (emotionally, mentally etc...) when we're around people we care about.

      Delete
    2. UnknownJuly 18, 2017 at 11:55 AM

      I think it depends on where you are mentally / emotionally.
      Personally, I am an aggressive counter attacker & am very defensive, however, I have come to realise that if I respond after a while, I am much more gentle & logical, so I am much slower to respond now. It still irritates the living daylight out of my quick thinking wife, but it has spared both of us a lot of heartache. Ultimate goal, is to move more & more to her reality & paradigm, bit by bit. So ya, know yourself, rest is easy...

      Delete
    3. UnknownJuly 18, 2017 at 11:55 AM

      I think it depends on where you are mentally / emotionally.
      Personally, I am an aggressive counter attacker & am very defensive, however, I have come to realise that if I respond after a while, I am much more gentle & logical, so I am much slower to respond now. It still irritates the living daylight out of my quick thinking wife, but it has spared both of us a lot of heartache. Ultimate goal, is to move more & more to her reality & paradigm, bit by bit. So ya, know yourself, rest is easy...

      Delete
    4. pkantueJuly 18, 2017 at 12:01 PM

      Thanks for your thoughts Mak. It is work in progress indeed. It's not always clear whether we're making progress towards love connection which can also be a bit frustration when days where nothing is going right arrives...

      Delete

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