The Bandjoun nomad

“Don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.Ephesians 4:26-27 Do you find yourself overreacting to little irritations? Your spouse forgot the milk, and you grimace or make a sarcastic comment. Your child tracked mud on the new carpet, and you explode. If so, there is a good chance that you are suffering from stored anger—anger that has been living inside of you for years. Perhaps your parents hurt you with harsh words or severe punishment. Maybe your peers made fun of you as a teenager or your boss treated you unfairly. If you’ve held all of these hurts inside, now your stored anger may be showing up in your behavior. The Bible wisely tells us not to let the day end when we’re still angry. In other words, we need to deal with our anger right away rather than letting it build up. In my book Anger, I talk about getting rid of stored anger. It all begins by releasing your anger to God. Tell ...

Sharing Desires Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.Proverbs 13:12 As I’ve written in the last few days about self-revelation, we’ve looked at sharing experiences and feelings. Today I want to talk about sharing desires. The failure to share desires is a source of much misunderstanding and frustration in any romantic relationship. Expecting your mate to fulfill your unexpressed desires is asking the impossible, and that makes disappointment inevitable. If you want your spouse to do something special on your birthday, for example, then say so. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. In Proverbs 13:12, King Solomon presented a striking word picture of fulfilled and unfulfilled desires. Of course, not all our daily wishes rise to the level of making us heartsick if they’re not fulfilled, but the basic idea is that when good, healthy desires are filled, joy can result. Why wouldn’t you want to do that for your spouse? And why wouldn’t yo...

January 10 Repent, and turn from your sins. Don’t let them destroy you! Put all your rebellion behind you, and find yourselves a new heart and a new spirit. Ezekiel 18:30-31 All of us need to learn to apologize, for one simple reason: We are all sinners. From time to time we all hurt the people we love the most. When we apologize, we hope the person we have offended will forgive us. We can make that easier if we include in our apology a statement of repentance or change. As one woman said, “I don’t want to just hear words; I want to see changes. When he indicates that he intends to change, I’m always willing to forgive him.” All true repentance begins in the heart. The decision to change shows that we are no longer making excuses or minimizing our behavior. Instead, we are accepting full responsibility for our actions. As the above Scripture says, we are putting our sinful behavior behind us and seeking “a new heart and a new spirit.” Only God can give those. He can renew in us...

January 5 Expressing Feelings For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. . . . A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 Some people wonder why they would ever want to share their feelings with their mate. The truth is, if you don’t openly share your feelings, they will likely show up anyway in your behavior. However, your loved one will have no idea why you are behaving as you are. That’s when you get the proverbial question, “Is something wrong?” Your spouse knows something is wrong but doesn’t know what. Emotions are a natural part of life. King Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for everything, including joy and sorrow, grieving and celebration. All feelings have their place in our lives, and many of them communicate a lot about us. Most of our feelings are tied to some experience we have had in the past or something we’re going through now. The next time you feel disappointed...

January 4 Revealing Yourself in Marriage The L ord   gives righteousness and justice to all who are treated unfairly. He revealed his character to Moses and his deeds to the people of Israel. Psalm 103:6-7 What do you know about the art of self-revelation? It all began with God. God revealed himself to us through the prophets, the Scriptures, and supremely through Christ. As the verse above mentions, he revealed himself to the ancient Israelites through his actions. They saw him guiding them out of Egypt and into the Promised Land, and as they did, they learned about him. If God had not chosen self-revelation, we would not know him. The same principle is true in marriage. Self-revelation enables us to get to know each other’s ideas, desires, frustrations, and joys. In a word, it is the road to intimacy. No self-revelation, no intimacy. So how do we learn the art of self-revelation? You can begin by learning to speak for yourself. Communication experts often explain it as...

January 1 Communicating Love Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. Let love be your highest goal! 1 Corinthians 13:13–14:1 After thirty years of counseling couples, I’m convinced there are five different ways we speak and understand emotional love—five love languages. Each of us has a primary love language; one of the five speaks to us more profoundly than the other four. Seldom do a husband and wife have the same love language. We tend to speak our own language, and as a result, we completely miss each other. Oh, we’re sincere. We’re even expressing love, but we’re not connecting emotionally. Sound familiar? Love doesn’t need to diminish over time. The end of the famous “love chapter” of the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, says that love is of great value and will last forever. In fact, the apostle Paul says that love should be our highest goal. But if you’re going to keep love alive, you need to learn a new language. Tha...